Life Is Crazy, Fellas

005

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#1
Well, gents.

Some may have noticed that I was sort of MIA from twitter and the choppersphere for a little while.

Pretty major life update since y'all are my internet-bros.:

We called off the wedding and broke up. Ended things. About 3 weeks ago, or so.

1. We have always disagreed on religion, how we might want to raise our kids re: religion, etc. It is a very, very important thing in her life, and it is not so much a priority for me.

2. We disagree on moving away / trying to move back to our hometown as quickly as possible. I will be starting at a new school in August, and her thinking was "back to hometown as soon as possible," while mine was "do the job I want wherever it is." Again, it is very important to her, as all of her family is within 30 minutes of here, while it is not as much of a priority for me.

So, I talked with my parents & sister & best friend about these issues. Talked about it a lot, wrestled with it a lot, and decided that I had to have the conversation. Knowing it would end things, I had to bring it up. So, I did. And it ended. We sort of decided on our own to end it, but then went to talk to a close family friend just to sort through thoughts and issues, and I ended it during that discussion/conversation.

Pretty brutal. I am okay, but.... man. Life.

---? Obviously, the first question is: How did you not think of these things beforehand, sir?
---> We did. We always knew they were lingering, dormant issues. We got into a routine and were able to ignore them... a routine of not really hammering it out on religion/church and not really wanting to have the "where will we live?" argument. It was easier to just hope it worked out, because we care about each other deeply.

---? Well, why didn't you see if it could still work out? Some couples differ on religion. It's all about compromise.
---> We thought about that, and discussed that. It is the #1 thing in her life, and I cannot ask her to compromise on that. I wouldn't ask her to compromise on it. I hoped that once I started to go to church more, especially with her, it would "click for me" and all be fine... That did not happen, and it just isn't in me.

As far as compromising, we discussed options... But I knew that as soon as I started this conversation, we were done. She knew, too... we just discussed options so that it wasn't so sudden/brutal.

Sheesh. :-/.
 

TBreazy

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#2
I actually popped on your Twitter the other day to make sure you were okay with the absence going on and saw she was removed from pic/header/whatever and feared this for you. I'm sorry man. I am sure it hurts like hell. It sounds more productive for your long term future though and eventual happiness. For that, I admire your courage. Good luck brother
 

wU-Tang Vol

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#3
Dang, I'm sorry to hear that Dbake. It sounds like y'all did the right thing even though that isn't necessarily the easiest thing to do. Stings when it's no one in particular's fault. I went through that as well with my ex, but not to your extent or longevity obviously. Keep your head up, enjoy your youth. Life has a way of working out.

However, our bro Henley has a few contacts he met in Vegas you might be interested in.
 

Vercingetorix

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#4
Brutal. Sorry to hear that. However, you obviously did the right thing. There are a handful of issues that two people really need to agree on (or have an understanding that disagreement is okay) to make a successful marriage possible. Possibilities include religion, kids, money, politics, where we're going to live, any glaring issues with in-laws, etc. Far better to figure out what the dealbreakers for each of you are up front than to just muddle along and hope it'll work itself out later, because it won't just work itself out later. If anything, your differences on the big topics will just become more pronounced.

Mrs Verc and I were in briefly danger of splitting up after we'd been married for 10 years because we'd never come to an explicit agreement about whether to have kids. Neither of us had ever really known for sure whether we wanted them, and then suddenly (or at least it seemed to me) for her it became an imperative. It was awful to go through. Good for you for having figured out what your potential dealbreakers were beforehand and tried to see whether you could make it work. Sucks a lot, though.
 

BenTenn

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#5
Damn bro, sorry to hear that. Things will work out though. Keep your head up.
 

NochNoch

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#6
Damn man, sorry to hear that. I figured there had to be something going on in life for you to be gone as much as you've been, and I knew there were a few times in the past you'd dropped some posts about relationship frustrations, but I really hoped that this wasn't the reason for the absence. As Breazy said, it sounds like this was probably the right thing for everyone involved, but that doesn't mean that it still doesn't blow goats. Good luck man.
 

Falco

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#7
Firstly, I'm glad you're okay.

Secondly, I'm glad that if it had to end, it happened now and not when things are much more complicated.

Keep your head up though.
 
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#8
That sucks brother. Hate that for you. I think you made the right decision...not just in your ultimate determination, but also in the process.

You may not know it yet, but you've probably just saved the both of you a lot of heartache and pain down the road. I joke a lot about how you guys should never get married, but I've been through enough in my own marriage to second-guess myself many times. Takes a lot of maturity and brutal honesty to identify potential problems and deal with them head on instead of putting a band-aid on things only to deal with it down the road.

Keep your chin up. You're a good man, Charlie Brown.
 

005

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#9
Thank y'all for sure. Y'all my boys.

I am okay... more okay than I even expected to be, really. Gotta make the hard decisions sometimes, bottom line.

I am confident that I made the right decision. Ignoring these issues and having the same conversation in a year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. would have made for disaster... especially if kids were involved, relocation, etc. etc. My parents/sister gave me big real-life stuff to chew on with it, didn't let me avoid the hard questions, and I worked through it and did it with confidence, despite it being heavy/hard.

We just see the world differently. I love her, care deeply for her, but it was a bad idea to get married. And we agreed on that once we started discussing everything.

Hardest part is switching from "alright, sort of have my path figured out" to where I am now... But I'm good. I got this. Will do big things starting in the fall, and I have too much good in my life so I didn't stay down for long.
 

005

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#12
Are yall gonna remain friends?
I think so, really do. I'm not sure if sometime she may get really angry with me/about it (would be fair & understandable), but I really do think we will remain friends and remain in contact about our lives/paths.
 

BenTenn

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#13
I think so, really do. I'm not sure if sometime she may get really angry with me/about it (would be fair & understandable), but I really do think we will remain friends and remain in contact about our lives/paths.
That's cool and good luck. Will probably be really difficult at times.
 

005

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#14
That's cool and good luck. Will probably be really difficult at times.
Starting this summer I'll be in a different city. So, we'll still have contact, but there won't be the weird running into each other and everything.
 

BenTenn

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#15
Starting this summer I'll be in a different city. So, we'll still have contact, but there won't be the weird running into each other and everything.
That'll make it easier, if that makes sense?
 

005

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#16
That'll make it easier, if that makes sense?
I think so, too. Then maybe if I'm ever back here, we catch up, or something... Allows her to move on and exist in this small town without it being just weird.
 

LotteryPick

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#17
That's tough, bro. Sorry to hear you're going through that. I'm not one to give advice in this scenario.

Very glad you're back around though.
 
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#18
What you did was courageous as hell, man. Seriously takes balls. I am sure there is a sense of relief to go with the justifiable sadness/confusion/hurt. Went through a similar situation with my ex before my current wife. Long story short, it hurt like hell. But it was the right decision, nonetheless I questioned it like crazy. I left NYC and came home to escape but it took a while to find "myself". With time came the realization that I made the right decision. I am positive in time you will find/receive the same affirmation. You shouldn't have to force anything for anyone, nor should she.. it was the right choice man. I am just truly sorry y'all had to go this far in your journey to come to this realization. Here for ya man.
 

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